It was my ninth wedding anniversary on Monday, and I thought
what better time to share what works for me in creating a happy marriage. I am not an expert on relationships, but I am
an expert on my relationship.
I love to hear other women’s ideas because, even if our
situations are not the same, there are always takeaways for me to use. I hope you enjoy my ideas and get some good
tips out of them too.
1. Choose the right
person. This sounds so obvious, but
it is the most important factor in a happy marriage. I feel lucky that I had a test-run with my
first marriage, so by the time I met Paul, the love of my life when I was 32, I
knew what I was looking for. Don’t get
me wrong, I did not enter into my first marriage lightly and it was not my
choice to end it, but I made the most of the situation and decided that I was
going to meet the right guy for me.
To help me choose the right person, as a down-hearted
divorcee at 29, I wrote out all the attributes I was looking for in my
man. He was to be spiritual, a
non-smoker, animal lover, kind, handsome, stylish and many other things. I re-read that list periodically and knew he was out there, waiting to meet
me.
More than two years later he showed up and I knew it was him
in a couple of ways. Firstly, we had the
same birthday. A friend had told me
previously that coincidences are the signposts to let you know you are heading
in the right direction through life.
When he said what his birthday was, my first thought was ‘Ooh, that’s a
big coincidence, I should take note’. Secondly,
I had a voice say to me, the night we met when we were chatting; it said, ‘It’s
you’ when Paul was speaking. I played it
cool though and did not propose marriage or anything like that.
Only a few months ago I showed my husband the ‘dream man’
list I’d written seventeen years ago –
yes I still have it! He was astounded as
he read through the list – ‘this is me!’ he kept saying. Spooky but cool, huh?
2. Be you. I’m sure you’ve done it when you were
younger, I certainly have: moulding yourself to suit another. Liking what they like and not showing parts
of yourself that you think they might not think is cool. How can someone decide if they really like you
if you aren’t showing them your true self?
When Paul and I met, of course I wanted to show my feminine
side and be ladylike, but I also didn’t hide anything. Even if it wasn’t cool to knit, have cats and
be a homebody, I didn’t care. I liked my
romance novels and I was easily scared.
I loved spreadsheets and financial stuff and I also laughed at toilet
humour and dumb movies.
I didn’t let it all hang out thinking he should love me for
who I am, but neither did I try to present a perfect two-dimensional image to
woo him. If anything, I caught his heart
by telling him that I did not play games.
To this day, we both cannot stand even the tiniest amount of
discord. If there is something hanging
over us, we have to clear it.
Communication is so important in any relationship whether it’s your marriage,
friends or family members. You should be
able to bring up anything to talk through and resolve it without fear of it
turning into a big argument. Because we
talk all the time, there is never anything big.
We never argue because we both value a peaceful, easy-going and
drama-free life.
3. Invest in your marriage. The most important person in the world to me
is Paul, and I would put him ahead of anyone else if it came to it. I know he would for me as well. There is something so comforting in knowing
that someone has your back.
Other important factors I choose to practice:
Being considerate of his feelings
Keeping his confidence and not sharing
information with others that is private
Consulting with him on invitations and the
week’s plans if I feel it is necessary
Focusing on his good points
Sharing my dreams and goals with him
Might I add that he does all these things as well. The consideration goes both ways.
Having shared interests and experiences are great too. The holidays we have taken, strange day trips
and fun outings, even movies seen together all build up a strong memory bank
which is fun to look back on. When you
remember the good times you’ve had and how nice it was to get away together,
this is like love-glue in my opinion – as unattractive as love-glue sounds :)
4. Keep on growing. At the same time as investing in my marriage,
I won’t sacrifice myself. I am my own
person with my own point of view, thoughts, interests and goals. The big goals are our goals, and we talk
about them regularly. I also have
personal goals to do with my health, my writing and our home, etc.
There is a balance in giving your all to a relationship
without smothering the other. I believe
that enriching yourself through personal development, pursuing your interests
and trying new things are all good for your relationship; providing, of course,
that you don’t take it so far that your other half never sees you.
‘Proximity’ is a big factor in attraction and happiness, or
so I learned in the psychology paper I took back in the day. You have to spend time with the one you love;
shocking, I know. Movie stars who have
separate projects on opposite sides of the world and never see each other end
up divorcing because they have ‘grown apart’.
Of course they have, they couldn’t not.
--
And those my friends, are my four top tips on what makes our
relationship happy.
You might agree or disagree with my points, but they are
what works for me. I’d love to hear what
you have learned over the years (what to do or not do) and also what you would
consider your number one tip for a happy relationship.
Have you ever written a love list like mine? I’d heartily recommend it if not. If you have, how did it turn out?
Have a wonderful week!
Fiona
PS.
Check out
my guest post on new blog An Organized Life, started by the supremely motivating
Lauren (this is her
Instagram page, her home is so tidy and orderly!).
