Friday, March 10, 2017

4 top tips for a happy marriage






It was my ninth wedding anniversary on Monday, and I thought what better time to share what works for me in creating a happy marriage.  I am not an expert on relationships, but I am an expert on my relationship.

I love to hear other women’s ideas because, even if our situations are not the same, there are always takeaways for me to use.  I hope you enjoy my ideas and get some good tips out of them too.

1. Choose the right person.  This sounds so obvious, but it is the most important factor in a happy marriage.  I feel lucky that I had a test-run with my first marriage, so by the time I met Paul, the love of my life when I was 32, I knew what I was looking for.  Don’t get me wrong, I did not enter into my first marriage lightly and it was not my choice to end it, but I made the most of the situation and decided that I was going to meet the right guy for me.

To help me choose the right person, as a down-hearted divorcee at 29, I wrote out all the attributes I was looking for in my man.  He was to be spiritual, a non-smoker, animal lover, kind, handsome, stylish and many other things.  I re-read that list periodically and knew he was out there, waiting to meet me.

More than two years later he showed up and I knew it was him in a couple of ways.  Firstly, we had the same birthday.  A friend had told me previously that coincidences are the signposts to let you know you are heading in the right direction through life.  When he said what his birthday was, my first thought was ‘Ooh, that’s a big coincidence, I should take note’.  Secondly, I had a voice say to me, the night we met when we were chatting; it said, ‘It’s you’ when Paul was speaking.  I played it cool though and did not propose marriage or anything like that.

Only a few months ago I showed my husband the ‘dream man’ list I’d written seventeen years ago – yes I still have it!  He was astounded as he read through the list – ‘this is me!’ he kept saying.  Spooky but cool, huh?

2. Be you.  I’m sure you’ve done it when you were younger, I certainly have: moulding yourself to suit another.  Liking what they like and not showing parts of yourself that you think they might not think is cool.  How can someone decide if they really like you if you aren’t showing them your true self?

When Paul and I met, of course I wanted to show my feminine side and be ladylike, but I also didn’t hide anything.  Even if it wasn’t cool to knit, have cats and be a homebody, I didn’t care.  I liked my romance novels and I was easily scared.  I loved spreadsheets and financial stuff and I also laughed at toilet humour and dumb movies.

I didn’t let it all hang out thinking he should love me for who I am, but neither did I try to present a perfect two-dimensional image to woo him.  If anything, I caught his heart by telling him that I did not play games.  To this day, we both cannot stand even the tiniest amount of discord.  If there is something hanging over us, we have to clear it.  Communication is so important in any relationship whether it’s your marriage, friends or family members.  You should be able to bring up anything to talk through and resolve it without fear of it turning into a big argument.  Because we talk all the time, there is never anything big.  We never argue because we both value a peaceful, easy-going and drama-free life.

3. Invest in your marriage.  The most important person in the world to me is Paul, and I would put him ahead of anyone else if it came to it.  I know he would for me as well.  There is something so comforting in knowing that someone has your back.

Other important factors I choose to practice:

Being considerate of his feelings
Keeping his confidence and not sharing information with others that is private
Consulting with him on invitations and the week’s plans if I feel it is necessary
Focusing on his good points
Sharing my dreams and goals with him

Might I add that he does all these things as well.  The consideration goes both ways.

Having shared interests and experiences are great too.  The holidays we have taken, strange day trips and fun outings, even movies seen together all build up a strong memory bank which is fun to look back on.  When you remember the good times you’ve had and how nice it was to get away together, this is like love-glue in my opinion – as unattractive as love-glue sounds :)

4. Keep on growing.  At the same time as investing in my marriage, I won’t sacrifice myself.  I am my own person with my own point of view, thoughts, interests and goals.  The big goals are our goals, and we talk about them regularly.  I also have personal goals to do with my health, my writing and our home, etc.

There is a balance in giving your all to a relationship without smothering the other.  I believe that enriching yourself through personal development, pursuing your interests and trying new things are all good for your relationship; providing, of course, that you don’t take it so far that your other half never sees you.

‘Proximity’ is a big factor in attraction and happiness, or so I learned in the psychology paper I took back in the day.  You have to spend time with the one you love; shocking, I know.  Movie stars who have separate projects on opposite sides of the world and never see each other end up divorcing because they have ‘grown apart’.  Of course they have, they couldn’t not.

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And those my friends, are my four top tips on what makes our relationship happy.

You might agree or disagree with my points, but they are what works for me.  I’d love to hear what you have learned over the years (what to do or not do) and also what you would consider your number one tip for a happy relationship.

Have you ever written a love list like mine?  I’d heartily recommend it if not.  If you have, how did it turn out?

Have a wonderful week!

Fiona

PS.  Check out my guest post on new blog An Organized Life, started by the supremely motivating Lauren (this is her Instagram page, her home is so tidy and orderly!).

I write about how I organize my writing and blogging.  If you write or blog, I’d love to hear what you think!

40 comments:

  1. I'm older so I've a little bit of a head start on you (married 21 years) but yes, yes, yes. So much yes here. xx

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    1. Only one year older, I think, Kristi!!! Well done on 21 years :)

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  2. The New York Times had an interesting article, "To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This"
    https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/modern-love-to-fall-in-love-with-anyone-do-this.html?_r=0
    It involves going through 36 questions, which ultimately reveal our true selves.
    Interesting!

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    1. What a fun list of questions! Thank you for sharing the link :)

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  3. Great post, Fiona. And not the easiest subject in the world to write about either!

    I've been in the same relationship, living together at first and married after a few years, for a total of close on 39 years. We were lucky in meeting in our early 20s; and like you, I knew he was my guy very early on. We agreed about so many things and laughed at the same things.

    I agree with all your points, in particular being considerate of his feelings and focusing on his good points. I think just being considerate in general is huge.

    We look after one another in all the ways where we can make life easier for each other. I'm the chief cook and I work at feeding him healthy and tasty meals he enjoys, and I also keep his wardrobe in immaculate condition. In return, he takes care of my car maintenance, and just about every night after dinner he spends a few minutes sharpening my kitchen knives.

    However crazy it may sound, it's when I'm chopping up a ripe tomato and the knife cuts through it like it was butter that I think, gosh, didn't I get lucky. I mean, blunt knives are the pits, aren't they? And I do so appreciate that he makes that effort to make my life easier. I think he might feel the same when he's putting on a pair of lovingly polished super shiny shoes.

    As you said, it's knowing you always have each other's back. It's in showing appreciation for each other; in being grateful for each other.

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    1. What a beautiful story, Rachel :) Yes, blunt knives are the pits. Doing things for each other is another great tip. When you do them because it makes you happy, the reciprocal energy comes back to you. I never have to put petrol in the car, and Paul never has to make or change a bed. Neither of us does these tasks begrudgingly. We are both happy!

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    2. "When you do them because it makes you happy, the reciprocal energy comes back to you."

      Oh, well put - that's it, absolutely. Gosh you're a talented wordsmith!

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    3. Thank you Rachel - 'talented wordsmith' - I'll take it!

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  4. I agree with all of these suggestions. They are so good! What a great story about how you found him! For me, the greatest tip is just simple kindness. So often we treat the ones we love most the harshest and treating them with kindness is so much easier and it is always reciprocated. I also advocate for letting my husband be a man and not try to change him into something he is not. That covers a lot of things, but he likes to fish and hunt and it's important he gets the time to do that and I never pout about the time he spends pursing his hobbies. Likewise, I fill that time with my own growth as you suggest and it works out great.

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    1. So true Stephanie. We feel safe at home so we can treat those closest to us the worst, whereas we would be much more polite and forgiving of someone in a workplace, for example.

      What a great reminder to let men be men (and me not be a nag). Sometimes I find myself getting grumpy with Paul because he is not tidy enough or leaves all the drawers and cupboard doors open in the kitchen (all the time! - I laughed at that detail in the Date Night movie) but if he was detail-oriented he'd probably be a female.

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  5. Fiona, I think this post is so helpful, especially as you and Paul are one of the most loving couples I know.Thank you for sharing.Even though I have been married for 17 years, I am also sure I will learn much from the other ladies here. For me, marriage and love are committed decisions that need to be renewed continuously and not taken granted for. And I strongly believe in the power of prayers and the magic and healing power of laughter.
    I love your love list! It's so magical.

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    1. Yes, commitment! And laughter :) It can lighten up many situations that could go the snippy way instead.

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  6. Fiona, congratulations to you and Paul on nine years together! Your post beautifully and simply reminds us to be kind to the important people in our lives and pay attention, while not losing sight of our own true selves. Thank you!

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    1. You have provided a perfect summation of how to be happy :)

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  7. One really great way to think of marriage is something I heard of a few years ago. Treat your marriage like a bank account where all of the good experiences, memories and happy times you create together are making deposits into the bank account. Then there will be plenty in there for when a withdrawal is made (the hard things that you go through).

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    1. I love that concept Carla, and it's true too! At first I saw 'bank account' and 'marriage' together and thought it was some sort of sugar daddy gold digger thing :)

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    2. Lol....that's hilarious! BTW...my husband leaves all the cupboards open too! they will be open when I get up in the morning and I think he is sneaking snacks at night and not wanting to make noise!

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  8. Hi Fiona, Happy anniversary! This is a wonderful post. I've been married for 23 years, but first started dating my husband off and on, 34 years ago. The moment I knew he was the one, was when we were at a Howard Jones concert (heehee), and we were embracing each other. I felt an intense feeling of "home." Even though we would eventually end up dating others, I think we knew we would always come "home." Our parents knew too. They told us years later that they knew we were for each other and would marry.

    My daughter has quite a challenge in front of her. Hopefully, she won't compare prospective life partners to her dad. They have no chance if she does! I fear he is the last of his kind.

    Everything you mention is perfect. I think paying attention to your intuition helps too. I know a few women who didn't listen to their gut feelings before marriage, and ended up in sad relationships. Be true to yourself, always.

    D.

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    1. Hi D, a Howard Jones concert, I love it! Such good music memories.

      Yes, intuition comes down to the first point I think - choosing the right person. I think that comes with age and wisdom, or maybe luck as well.

      I'm sure your daughter will meet a wonderful person who is perfect for her :)

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  9. Hi Fiona

    A great post. Here's a recently published article on successful relationships that you and your readers might find interesting
    http://www.corespirit.com/every-successful-relationship-successful-exact-reasons/
    Joyeux anniversaire for Monday.

    Spud.

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    1. Thank you Spud, I look forward to reading it :)

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  10. Great post. After a terrible first marriage to Mr Wrong I waited 25 years for Mr Right to come along. I think it helped at that point that I knew I was ready, I WANTED to be married again, without conditions. Without either of those, it won't work. A few of my friends say that they want a man in their lives, subject to certain conditions. As a result, they don't have a man in their lives. The partner should meet your non-negotiables, yes, and I admit I did have those listed in my diary under the heading "Man Project"! But its important to not bind the relationship to conditions, if it's the right person of course. When I quickly realised that he was a keeper, I decided I should do things differently this time, give him the real me, warts and all (including no-make-up exposure!), and that I should be open and communicate fully - things I had not done in relationships in the interim. And all of that seems to have worked!

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    1. PP, you are so wise, and what a beautiful comment. You make a great point about someone having too many conditions. Even though I had my love list, I made a caveat right at the bottom that I would forgo most any of them if he was the right person for me (not including big ones such as being a drug-taker). I wanted to be specific, but I didn't want to miss out on Mr Right for being too prescriptive! What you did with your keeper is exactly what I did too.

      In your photo you look so serene and happy, now I know why :)

      I also agree with you that I too wanted to be married again, to the right guy for me. Some are happy being single or not marrying and that's fine too. We're all different.

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  11. Hapy Anniversary, Fiona! May you have a long and happy marriage.
    I think I must be the longest-married one in this discussion, now in our 53rd year! Yes 52 years already clocked up. We are as happy now as we were when we first married, happier perhaps as we both say we'd like to have our 52 years all over again. The only sad part is we know we don't have that many more years ahead of us, and they fly by so quickly. I really can't give any marriage tips because everyone is different, but being honest, loving and caring are three pretty good attributes to have on both sides. I was very fortunate - for who knows at 17 (when I met my future husband) what our life together would be like? It is sometimes very much the luck of the draw, too.
    Margaret P

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    1. You are indeed lucky to have met your husband so young, Margaret - you will have had that many more years with him.

      I agree too, that it is luck of the draw who and when you meet.

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  12. Looking at my parents marriage of fifty years, I think there are two very important things that I've learned from them. The first is Love, Honor, Respect. My parents loved each other, they honored each other's needs and feelings, and they respected each other and their truths.

    The second is that everyone needs a private thing in their lives that is theirs. My mom showed dogs and loved to read, and my dad was heavily into Latin percussion and charity work. After my mother died, part of what kept my father going each day was doing his charity work and going to his drum classes. He had a part of his life that wasn't intertwined, so he didn't feel like there was something missing when he worked or played. Whereas a friend who was widowed did everything with her husband and really struggled to function after his passing because there was no part of her life where she could just be her, it had always been the two of them.

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    1. Hi Aurora, I'm sorry you no longer have your mum. You make an excellent point on why having your own interests is so important.

      Your parents marriage sounds like a wonderful one :)

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  13. Fiona, such a beautiful post and written from the heart, I'm sure. I, too, am married to the love of my life. He is my best friend and confidante. That's not to say I don't have girlfriends - on the contrary I have two dear girl friends who are always in my heart. Like you, he is the first person I consider. I also believe it is crucial to have open communication. Sometimes I probably tell him too much but I promised him on one of our first dates that I don't play games and prefer honesty over all else. I have maintained that code. He is the only person I can be with 24/7 for any length of time (being an introvert I need 'rest' time from social contact) but having said that we each have our separate interests that are of no interest to the other but are fully supported by the other (if that make sense ;)). Both his parents and mine had/have dysfunctional and destructive relationships and I know in my case I made a conscious decision at a young age that I would never be like my parents. I am fortunate to have two aunties each married to wonderful men for forty-something years who are their best friends and number one supporters. Having those two couples in my extended family showed me it is possible. Husband and I have been married only six years (in may it will be ten years since we met) and married when we were in our forties. It took us a while to find each other but I'm very glad we did. It hasn't been smooth sailing as we've had deaths of family and friends, my chronic illness, ageing parents, sick fur babies, etc but anything that doesn't kill us makes us stronger!
    I enjoyed reading the many comments.

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    1. Lovely comment, thank you Lara. You and I are very similar in our outlook :) It's lovely that you looked to your aunties marriages as mentors for yours.

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  14. Hi Fiona,
    Wonderful post, as always - and now a frivolous aside - I loved your makeup look in your Instagram trip picture (the one with the sparkling water glass). Any chance of doing a makeup tutorial for that look? You looked radiant. It's the look I'm always going for but rarely achieve and we're the same coloring (I'm a "light summer" as opposed to a "soft summer") and it would be greatly appreciated!

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    1. Hi Amy,

      I'm getting up the courage to do a makeup video, plus work out where to put the phone to record it. I will do it, yes!

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  15. Best wishes for many more years of wedded bliss.

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  16. I didn't have a list but I knew I didn't want someone who was "into" sports. Boyfriend before husband was and it was not fun. Anyway, I was extremely blessed with my husband who passed away this past October (it was the best thing for him so in that it was a blessing). Like you two, we had a few coincidences - we were both born with bad hearts and parents told we'd not live to see adulthood and our mothers worked together at least 10 years before we got together. Oddly enough, we neither wanted to date the other but two friends kept on us until we finally said FINE BUT ONE DAY ONLY. 41 years later and it was the best blessing God every gave me. We talked and laughed all the time throughout our marriage - we'd get upset (me more than him - he really was a gentle soul - and I'd bite my tongue until the initial anger was over. Gary had grown up with a very angry/loud mother and wanted a home of peace and quiet. We truly never had an argument - disagreements but we worked them out calmly. I think the important thing for us was laughter - we still could make each other laugh even during his illnesses. I've always said God truly blessed me when he brought Gary into my life. I'll love him until I die. I wish only a life of love for you and yours.
    B from CA

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    1. B, what a delightful comment, I had tears in my eyes. I can't say much more, just beautiful. Thank you.

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    2. Dear Anon,
      I am so sorry about the loss of your dear husband. I enjoyed reading your comment about him and your lovely message. I agree that being able to talk through everything and laughing is very important in marriage. Thank you for sharing. You are in my thoughts and prayers today. May God Bless you!

      Love,
      Maria In Mass

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  17. Thank you so much for sharing this with us, dear Fiona! I met my husband online on a website for Catholic Singles. We met for the first time on March 17th, 2006 at my church. Since we are both Irish (We were both born in the US though) and it was St. Patrick's Day, he brought a loaf of Irish bread for dinner - delicious! After dinner, I was amazed that he wanted to come back and see me again so we planned another day to meet. He took me out to a nice restaurant and asked me to marry him about six months later and we were married June 16th, 2007 - he was almost 43 when we got married and I was almost 41 (our birthdays are five days apart!). We've now been married almost ten years. So glad I found him! :)

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Merci for your comment. Wishing you a chic day!

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