Monday, December 13, 2010

Chic Habits: Having Mystique from your Significant Other

Having mystique at home/from your significant other. I read an article recently about two women who wrote a book on having a happy relationship. Julienne Davis and Maggie Arana have a book out called Stop Calling Him Honey and Start Having Sex. It sort of tells you right there in the title doesn't it?

Apparently there are a number of behaviours which can damage the dynamics of your relationship, and baby talk/names is right up there. By calling your sweetheart, well sweetheart, or darling or dear (even worse they say are baby-talk names like Beanybum or McMuffin Poopencakes - an actual one they came across) you are giving him the same generic nick-name as your barista or child.

I am guilty of this. I use 'sweetheart', but I also call kids in the shop trying on shoes 'sweetheart'. Better to use your husband's *gasp* actual name. Apparently as hard as that sounds (and it does to me, it sounds really formal), it will get easier and 'you'll soon realise you're thinking about him in a different way, and he's responding to you better.'

The authors are not professionals, but say the book is a result of 'ten years of the two of us searching and finally finding what really works to keep a couple's sex life hot'.

One of the authors said 'Looking back, I realised that my own sex life began to disappear when my partner and I started using pet names and baby talk with each other. We seemed like the perfect couple because we truly did love each other's company, but at home, we had so many bad habits going on that feeling sexual with each other was virtually impossible.'

Other bad habits include leaving the toilet door open (when you're in there), watching tv with dinner and letting 'bodily noises' hang out in his presence. These things are harmful to your sexual desire for each other. 'Apparently, failing to shut the bathroom door begins a downward spiral that ultimately turns lovers in roommates. "Certain barriers are worth rebuilding. Give yourself more privacy for a couple of weeks. Trust me, you'll feel sexier",' says one of the authors.

It made me think about how I conduct myself when at home with my husband. There are a few things to tweak to ensure our ongoing happy couplehood.

Close the bathroom or toilet door at all times. When I am brushing my teeth or washing my face doesn’t sound that bad, but why show him at all. Rather than see me with a whizzing toothbrush and foaming mouth, why not walk into the bathroom, close the door, then come out with a minty fresh smile.

Same with washing my face, I will go into the bathroom, close the door, before emerging with a fragrant, smooth and clean face. No hairband, no goo on my face, no raccoon eyes as I’m half done.

I mostly shut the toilet door, by mostly I mean if he’s near. But if my husband is downstairs and I am up, I don’t. It’s not a big effort to shut a door, so I plan to do this all the time, even when I am home alone. It’s a good habit to keep my mystique!

The authors say you don't need to dress up in sexy lingerie, you don't need to go see a therapist and 'you don't need to change who you are or spend a fortune to save your sex life. You just need to clear away all the stuff that's got in the way of the sexual dynamic you used to have.'

This is one thing I can start today (in fact I started yesterday) to improve my life with minimal effort and no expense. Just a change in thinking.

If you'd care to join me, please let us know what chic habits you would like to bring into your life, either on your own blog or in the comments here.


  1. How true! My husband and I have separate bathrooms and have always maintained that "distance" from each other. It is also nice that my bathroom is decorated the way that I want-feminine/chic.

  2. hi fiona,

    i must share my husbands insights on your post. i read it to him and can hardly stop laughing. he said that if i were wearing sexy lingerie, i could be sitting on the loo with a mouth full of toothpaste and he would be good with that!


  3. Fiona,

    I,like Janet, also shared your post with my husband.
    First, I asked him if he thought we should stop calling each other "honey" and use our names instead. He said "no way". He doesn't want to call me "Adrienne" and I like to reserve the use of his first name when I really want to get his attention.
    Second, I asked him if he thought we should keep our nightly routine of joint teeth brushing and face washing private and again, a big "no". In fact, a bigger "no" than the honey thing. It turns out, he looks forward to our nightly ritual each evening. Who knew? In fact, he said, and I'm quoting: "That's why we have two sinks in our bathroom." I can't argue with that!

    Maybe we are way off base and could have a hotter and steamier romantic life if we did these things that the article suggests. But we believe our behaviors and routines create more intimacy - like a special type of bond, comfort and familiarity.

    Thank you for the thought-provoking post. It was great to discuss these things with my other half.


    And Janet, your comment is hilarious!

  4. Anon, how luxurious to have separate bathrooms. If I had my own it would be decorated Annick Goutal style in blush pink and gold, boudoir-ish.

    Janet, I'm still laughing. Your husband is a hoot and I have this picture in my mind...

    Adrienne, my husband doesn't read my blog (even though he knows I tap away at it - he says it's my private place) but I asked him today if we should use each other's names. He wasn't keen either! I am definitely continuing with the closed door policy in everything, but regards names I think it's OK if it's NOT a baby name and NOT a name I use with anyone else. That's my guidelines. I appreciate your comprehensive comment and think it's great you can talk with your husband like that. Your bathroom time sounds really special and fun too.

  5. And yet another thing to think length. But I think I am with Adrienne on this one. And I think my "sweetie pie babys boo boo" (no, I don't call him that), will have some interesting comments when I share this. Great post, Fiona! (again : ) )

  6. This is very interesting. My husband and I have never called each other "honey" or anything like that. No one in my family does that. And his mom calls her sons "darling," which my husband hates. So it definitely would be a turn off to him.

    I do think the idea of keeping a little mystery in the relationship is a good idea.

  7. My husband insists on privacy when he's in the bathroom doing any thing. That's his private space. But I have over the years come to be quite turned off by his frequent loud noises. Whether next to each other watching TV in front of a lovely fire, or in bed spooning or cuddling in other positions....Although I never say GROSS...lately I have averted my face from his direction.....

  8. Great post! I have definitely not been diligent regarding keeping the bathroom door closed and in maintaining privacy/mystery. I pledge to change this and will keep the door closed going forward.

  9. As you know, B and I have never done the 'honey' thing. For us it will feel rather odd to do so! Perhaps having children I get my fill with honey, sweetheart and darling talk. Or maybe it's just the Capricorn in me. And I totally agree about privacy in the bathroom/when grooming. I started physically shutting the door a while back, and I even sometimes lock it if Lucy and Audrey are near. It's the only bit of privacy I get. They may be hammering on the door but at least I know they can't break in!

  10. Great ideas! I've been married for 27 years and need to get my sexy back!

  11. Hello Fiona! Thank you for visiting my site recently, and thank you too for this wonderful post- great reminders! I actually do call my husband honey, and he's pointed out that I call others that too, so he isn't special. I never though of this before in this overall context though.

    I can't wait until 2011, when my obligations to sponsors is largely over and I can freely write as I wish, only working with companies that support my desire to write about marriage and femininity. I'm so happy so many other bloggers also pursue this goal and I can't wait to start spending time reading these blogs and meeting other women.

    I like the idea of a separate bathroom too, by the way! I day, when we have a bigger place maybe :)

  12. H, I think it's great that we can all read advice like in this article and make up our own minds how much we'll take on board.

    Shannon, you are wise to listen to your husband regarding his mother's use of 'darling'. I am constantly reminding myself 'mystery' for it doesn't come naturally.

    Ganzalone, you poor thing! Men are the masters at loud noises though, and are often quite proud of their achievements. Boys will be boys.

    Juliana, I'm excited about your new blog. I too have been very diligent with door closing and have a 100% record so far, even a few times when I thought it not necessary but did it anyway.

    Catherine, I find it really funny that you have to barricade yourself in the toilet. Anything for five minutes of peace!

    Sheila Louise, that's the spirit!

    Penelope, wow, you don't need this post, you have your husband, letting you know he doesn't like being 'honey' along with everyone else!

  13. Thank you, Fiona. My husband is very happy with my commitment to keeping the bathroom door closed. :-)

    I almost walked out of the bathroom tonight with a mask on my face until I remembered my new commitment to mystery!


Merci for your comment. Wishing you a chic day!

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